Kung Fu International by John Cooper Clarke

Kung Fu International

Outside the take-away, Saturday night
a bald adolescent, asks me out for a fight
He was no bigger than a two-penny fart
he was a deft exponent of the martial art
He gave me three warnings:
Trod on me toes, stuck his fingers in my eyes
and kicked me in the nose
A rabbit punch made me eyes explode
My head went dead, I fell in the road

I pleaded for mercy I wriggled on the ground
he kicked me in the balls and said something profound
Gave my face the millimetre tread
Stole me chop suey and left me for dead

Through rivers of blood and splintered bones
I crawled half a mile to the public telephone
pulled the corpse out the call box, held back the bile
and with a broken index finger, I proceeded to dial

I couldn’t get an ambulance the phone was screwed
The receiver fell in half it had been kung fu’d
A black belt karate cop opened up the door
demanding information about the stiff on the floor

he looked like an extra from Yang Shang Po
he said “What’s all this then ah so, ah so, ah so.
he wore a bamboo mask he was gen’ned on zen
He finished his devotions and he beat me up again

Thanks to that embryonic Bruce Lee
I’m a shadow of the person that I used to be
I can’t go back to Salford the cops have got me marked
Enter the Dragon
Exit Johnny Clarke

Footnote: I saw John Cooper Clarke perform at the Rescue Rooms in Nottingham last night - back in the 70s he was known as the punk poet. He didn't do this one but I enjoyed the performance, he told some cracking jokes as well. He was support act to the Fall - who unfortunately I cannot comment on as we left before they came on. After waiting for over an hour after JCC went off, standing up in a packed, hot, sweaty club we got fed up - and my bad back was hurting! Our friend who stayed said they were OK if somewhat stroppy and pissed - I'm afraid I'm too old to be bothered with that sort of stuff nowadays.